It’s not fair my toddler gets to melt down and I don’t. It’s NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR.
Person Running Tuesday’s Sales Call: Hey! Just reminding you about that 4:45 conference call! Want to make sure you’re there for it so everyone on the team is on the same page!
Me: NO NO NOOOOOOO! throws self onto floor and cries into low-pile acrylic carpeting I don’t want to be on the sales call! You don’t ... sniff. You don’t even need me on the call to sniff say anything. You always say it’ll be short, but these calls always take at least 45 minutes because Michael never stops talking! continuous sobbing
Person Running Tuesday’s Sales Call: Now let’s be reasonable. Can we please be reasonable?
Me: emits unbelievably high-pitched shriek while kicking the base of someone’s desk I AM BEING REASONABLE! pushes swivel chair angrily into middle of open-plan office space where it does not hit anything because of the sparsity of the furnishings I WANT TO GO HOME AT 5 BECAUSE I WORKED HARD ALL DAY AND THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO BE ON THIS CONFERENCE CALL WHEN THIS IS NOT EVEN MY DEPARTMENT. I WANT TO GO HOME! I WANT TO GO HOME!
Spouse: Hey, if you get a chance to do laundry tonight or tomorrow, I’m not sure I have any clean undershirts.
Me: violently kicks over wicker clothes hamper I DON’T WANNA! I DON’T WANNA! I DON’T WANNA DO THAT. tears stream down cheeks NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU’RE A GROWN PERSON WITH TWO MASTER’S DEGREES WHO CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A WASHING MACHINE. I DON’T WANNAAAAA! screams and cries
Spouse: Whoa, what’s going on? Let’s try to calm down.
Me: I DON’T WANT TO CALM DOWN. rivulets of tears and snot run down face I WANNA DO ONLY MY LAUNDRY! repeatedly hits front of washing machine with palms of hands flings detergent at wall I WORKED OVER EIGHT HOURS TODAY AND IT’S NOT FAIR I HAVE TO DO THE LAUNDRY AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT! IT’S NOT FAIR! I DON’T WANNA DO THE— voice becomes so shrill and high-pitched that words are no longer decipherable.
Daycare Provider: Thank you for calling to let us know you were stuck on a conference call that ran long. Just a reminder that you were still 16 minutes late picking up Samuel, so you’ll be charged an extra $16.
Me: AAAHHHH kicks reclaimed barnwood shoe cubby NO NO NO, NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR kicks receptionist’s Herman Miller Aeron chair angrily tears decorations off Dr. Seuss’ birthday mural kicks and knocks over sand and water sensory table hurls shoe across the room
Daycare Provider: We do not tolerate this sort of behavior. Use your words.
Me: takes deep breath Pardon me. With all due respect, after the week I’ve had, most of the words I’m thinking you would probably rather not hear.